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xblamed
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Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 4/3/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: trouble
Expertise: trouble
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/13/2003
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| Then My Heart Shattered
For a while I pretended that what was going on was normal. I pretended that what was going on was just because of school or because of this and because of that. I gave myself excuses so that I wouldn't think that you don't want me in your life anymore. I have waited and waited to be forgiven. I have waited and waited for you to love me again. I have given up so much for you. I always did things so you would be happy. I knew that something was wrong. I knew you were holding back from me. Now I know I'm right. Am I unforgivable? Was what I did so fucked up that I deserve this torture? I have loved you more than anything I know. I have put you in everything I do. You're in my dreams, in my thoughts, in my prayers, you're in my heart. Months went by where I thought you were just busy. Then I thought you just had other things to do. Then the thougts came to maybe you don't want me anymore. Maybe I embarass you. Maybe I'm making you do things you don't want to do. Maybe I just don't belong with you. Those thoughts lasted for a while. Half of me denied it, the other half believed it. And recently it's been confirmed. Many times I went to the movies with you, you weren't there. I was scared to touch you. I'm scared to touch you now. I'm afraid that if I do I'll only hurt you again, or that you'll go away again. I've not forgotten what I did. I've not forgotten who I am. But I've forgotten how it is to be loved. I know it sounds horrible but that's how it is. I realize I spend my time chasing people who don't want me at all. I've been chasing the guys who are all ready broken up. I've been chasing my dreams which just become more and more like fantasies. Now I'm chasing you. And the more I chase you, the more I realize that you don't want me. Don't think I believed one bit of the pretending you've done. Everyday I see you. And I know you don't want to talk to me. It hurts me. I shrug it off. Every single time. From the time I walked into your room and you were sleeping. To the time you were in you room and you were with Jaya. Or how about the time we were at Jaya's house and you left early? Or how about the time you had that fake-baby and you wouldn't look me in the eye. Just because you're there doesn't mean you want to be. You want to know the worst part? I believed for a while that i was nothing to you. Sure I was happy you have new friends, a new life, busy - but yet fun? I was happy that there was people there for you when I couldn't be. Then I realized, wait a minute, those people are there not because I couldn't be there, because you don't want me there. It's not that you can't talk to me, it's because you refuse to. It's not that you can't trust me anymore. It's because you don't want to. I don't know what it would take for you to love me again. I'm not even asking for your love anymore. I'm asking for you to tell me. I want you to tell me to my face that you don't want me in your life. I want you to tell me to my face that you can't trust me still. I want you to tell the person who loves you the most, who would die for you, who had died for you, who cries for you at night, who prays for you in the morning, who wishes that your day is filled with joy, who comes to your house and haven't noticed that she even dropped by at all, who has seen you at the mall without her ... I want you to tell that person that you don't want to trust her. If you really wanted to, you would have done so all ready. I know you would have. But you still don't want to because you think I'm going to do it again. When I lost your trust I knew it was all my fault. And I couldn't cry to anyone about it. Now that I've realized my apologies will never be good enough. Now I've realized that my pain was never enough. Now I've realized that my love will never be good enough. Now I realized that my tears will never be enough. Now I've realized that I will never be good enough to have you love me again. And I know I'm not good enough. I know I'm not good enough for you. Why do you think I still hold on? I'm holding on to someone who wants to get away from me. Why am I so unworthy? What did I do so wrong? Yes it is hard to find that trust again. But damnit it's not impossible. Just tell me that you don't trust me and I'll back off. I'll stop coming over. I'll stop trying to make movie dates. I'll stop asking you to sleep over. I'll stop talking to you at family parties. I'll stop being part of your life if you just tell me to. I am desperately trying to squeeze myself into your life because I know that without you I would be nothing. Why is this going on? Because I lied? Because of a lie? I don't want to point fingers but you lied to me. You said you forgave me. I know you said the trust would take a long time. But you don't need trust to acknowledge my presence. You don't need trust to make me feel like I'm worth something. You don't need trust to let me know that I mean something to you. You don't need trust to let me know that you want me in your life. What is love without trust? It's better than whatever it is I have now. I spend my nights crying myself to sleep. That's why I can't sleep until morning. You said it yourself alda. You hate that you love me. If you could not love me you would right? Because I'm nothing? There have been times where I held a blade to my wrist. I'm not fuckin around. I broke dad's shaver and took a peice of the blade and put it against my wrist. I closed my eyes and started praying, praying hard because I didn't know what I was doing. I was hoping maybe if I was dead you'd see me. I was hoping that maybe if I did this you would finally look at me and not through me. And I realized, if I did do this. You would never know how much I loved you. You would never know how much you meant to me. Sure, enough that I would have died over you. But I want to live everyday trying to let you know that I love you. Even if you don't want me to. I would yell at your closed bedroom door that I loved you. I would yell at the computer screen when you log online. I would yell from my rooftop that I loved you. I would do anything just so you would know that even though I don't mean anything to you, you mean everything to me. I put so much of my love into you that I can't love anyone or anything else as much as I love you. No this isn't another apology. I just want you to know what's going on. If you won't talk to me then I'll talk to you. Through Xanga Myspace or whatthefuckever I want you to know that I am hurting. I want you to know that I am in pain. I am suffering for what I've done wrong. What was it? Lied about my relationship? Cried about something and not telling you what I was really crying about? Is that worth all these torturous nights of not knowing if you would ever love me again? They say love is the most powerful thing. They also say that Love is not enough. And for you it really isn't. I've learned that. You need someone you can depend on, someone who will not feel any pain, someone who will make you laugh, someone who will make you happy, someone who you can trust. I realized I'm neither of those things. The more I try to make you happy the worse you feel because you can't show any love to me at all. Sure you pretend, you fake it. You pretend that everything is okay. Why can't you just tell me? Isn't not telling me the same thing as lying to me? Isn't not telling me tha tyou're not ready to talk to me again the same thing as lying to me and saying that you are? I have believed for months that my apology was good enough. Now I know you still can't forgive me for what I did. The question isn't if I'm moving on without you. If you haven't noticed I don't have a life beyond you. I don't have friends anymore now that the guys are gone. I can't go back to the philippines. I have nothing. I only had you. Or what I hoped was you. Which turned out to be my imagination. Don't forget you don't just have a piece of me. You have all of me. My soul died with your trust in me. I just didn't know it yet. I was walking arond with false hopes, with false dreams, with false faith. I believed that I did what I had to do. Now I had to wait. And I watied. And I waited. Until I waited too long to realize that you haven't forgiven me yet and you probably never will. I'm fine with that. Just please don't make me wait anymore. I'm tired of sitting here watching you grow up and change before my eyes. I'm tired of not having to do with anything in your life. I don't even know your favorite color anymore. Or what your hobby is. Or what's your favorite food. I don't know anything about you anymore. Other people would know more than I do. And another thing I realized that you never spoke to me. Ever. Even when things were great. I was the only one speaking. The only time I can remember the both of us talking was that one night we saw thirteen ghosts and we scared the shit out of each other and we stayed up all night talking. That was the only night I remember where you actually spoke back to me. Not just replied to what I said. You spoke to me as if you wanted to talk to me. If you could just talk to me and tell me where you want me in your life. Or if you want me out of it. I just want to know. I don't want to hear an explianation. I want to hear No I don't want you in my life. Yes I want you in my life. If it's a no then you will never hear of me again. I will stop walking into the house making a loud racket so you'd know I'm there. I will stop talking to you online or wherever. I will stop trying to call you to do something. I will stop everything. I will stop saying I love you. I promise. If you say yes, then I will wait again. I just don't want to wait not knowing if you still want me in your life. I don't want to wait not knowing what I'm waiting for. Once you give me that answer, once you say that one word. It will revive me. It will stop me from crying. It will stop my heart from breaking. It will stop my face from breaking. It will stop these hidden tears. It will stop this hidden anger. I just want you to stop hiding you from me. Stop hiding me from you. What do I have to do? What do I have to say? Where do I have to go? Where do you want me to be? Why are you avoiding me? Why are you forgetting me? I want out of the fake smiles, I want out of the fake smiles, I want out of the fake hugs. Out of the lame excuses, out of the lame lies, I want out of the old you. I want out of the new you. I want out so bed because ... All I really want is in.
It's okay if you're not here for me, I just want to be there for you. That's all I ever wanted.
You don't need to tell me anything. Just show me that you still love me.
People keep telling me life is too short to be holding onto something that is obviously trying to pull away. People tell me that. And I realized, life is too short for giving up on something that means so much to me. So I will wait.
I just want you to know what's going on with me.
If you won't tell me what's going on with you. | | |
| Aldaa <3
alda where do i start? man it seems just like yesterday wen i met you. or wen i first saw you [in da states]. heh man i remember it was at lolo's house and yew were walkin around all intimidating and shieet.. hehe. i waas scurred you didn't want to talk to me or anythin. but damn things are kinda weird huH?! who woulda thot we'd grow this close? i remember back then we were like good. well atleast yew were. wahah i was the little devil. anyways damn everything has changed. i dont think i'll be half the person i am without you. alda you've been like a sister to me and i thank you for everything you've given me. there were so many fruckin times that we shared. so many memories that we had ... and we've been through a lot of sh!t together too. thru thick and thin alda - yew're always mah number one ... i cant believe its come to this. stupid family huH? it's mainly coz of them we went through all the crap but you know wat? watever doesnt kill us makes us stronger .. am i rite? wahaha. anyways alda i'll always remember everrything kays??! from good to bad. i dont remember oNe time we fought. and i - i - *wipes tear* i love yOU! remember the time we use to go to the cerritos library and we thot it was all tight and errythang. we even saw them hotties the "parks" haha. we even followed them to the edge of the street but we were waay too good to go `an follow them. damn wrong timing. and all those times we went crazzy over seeing orlando's pix on da computer. wen my roOm used to be blue and white hehe... and it was so - plain. i remember the time when we stayed up all nite talkin coz we got freaked out coz that one chick is in my bathtub. dat one gurl from 13 ghosts mwahaha ... and we talked bowt da good ol days. juss like im doin rite now. i remember those days we'd go to the bowling alley to play DDR and see that daniel fella. heh we were like obsesed wit rock `N BoWL hehehe - that was our only excuse fer stayin owt late. dat was wen yer parents didnt hate me xD. remember dat nasty maggot pizza?! eew... hehe. speakin of pizza - wasnt dat like da onliee thang we ate? xD i mean we cant cook so we ordered wahaha. and we ended up gettin fat and we wawnted to LooSe sum weight. i think dass half da reason why we play DDR. hehe - damn alda ... i cant leave you. i can't stay away from you. i cant survive witout you. i kno everythin about you ... i know all yer laughs. one laugh is wen you're laughing at me coz im an idiot ... second laugh is wen you reallie think summin is funNie third laugh is wen yer faking it ... fourth laugh is wen yer laughin at thadthad ... and your last laugh is whenever we're laughing together. alda i know that you like water ... yew cant live witout it. i kno dat wenever yew put [a lot] of ice in yer water and den yew stir it around and yew watch it. i kno dat you turn pink wen yew sweat, i kno dat you take forever in da shower coz yew like playin wit da shampoo and soap, i kno dat wenever yew put yer contax on yew play wit da solution, i kno dat wen you wake up in da mornin yew rub yer eyes coz yer bangs are in da way, i kno dat you hog da blanket at nite, i kno dat yew cant sleep if its quiet, i kno dat you love love songs, i kno dat wenever u hear a good song yer heart feels heavy, i kno dat yer heart was broken once but i gave yew a bandaid heh, i kno dat you fold yer sox before yew put 'em in yer shooe, i kno dat yew looove bengay, i kno dat yew cry durinn movies, i kno dat yew gonna cry wen i leave or wen we at da airport.... shit alda i kno so much about you - but i don't know some things... i dont know who you're goin to marry. i dont know what college you're gonna go to. i don't know if yer gonna have a gurl or boy first, i dont kno how many kiDs yew gonna even have --- damnitt gurl i dunno that - but i swear i'll be there for you. i'll always be there for you. i'll be there in the bridal room witchu fixin yer gown... i'll even fuckin stand next to yew wen yew exchange vows to that hottie of a man yew fell in luv with lol, i'll be there for you wen yew get yer diploma as a validectorioan [not likely but sounds gud dont it?], i'll be there wen you give birth to your first child. and i'll probably give da doctor a hard time [picture me standin nexx to da father of yer child who holdin yer hand and me yellin at da doctor .. "GET IT OWT OF HER GET IT OWT"] hehe, alda i'll be there for you whenever you need me. sings: juss call my name - and i'll be there!! seriously alda i'll always be there for you - like i was there for you before. i was there for you wen yew had troubless wit yer family, i was there for you wen yew firss fell in love, wen yew firss had a hart broken, and i was there to fix it. alda i feel like im loosing a part of me. i know for sure wen i get to the philippines that everything gonna be hard. imma pass by a fruckin orlando picture and imma start screamin ALDAA -- and then imma pass a DDR machine and go "alda get da card!! less play!! freckles!! there you'll be!! i dox3!! love<3shine!! rhythm police, bheetoveen --- " and wen i turn around people juss starin at me ... alda i dunno how the heLL am i gonna do dis witout you. i kno dat wen im watchin movies in da thatre i cant scream out loud or i wont have anyone's hand to grab. remember weN we saw pirates together righT wen i came back frum da philipppines. we were dyiNNGGG?! and we kept laffin and shizz - people got mad at us too hahaha. remember wen we saw troy we were cryin like a mofo - and we were turned on - wat no? oh lol hehe *blush* i was ... alda remember wen we saw mystic river the whole time we were grabbin onto ech other?! remember we memorized the fruckin fanta song?! [wana fanta donchu wanna??] hehe - remember we kept goin to HIS line errytime even tho it was slOoww juss so yeW can see him. remember we would walk aroundd da towncenter like we owned da place? [coz we did] i remember first realizing that it was our second home. damnitt alda. i cant take this anymore. *blows snotfilled nose* no more salsa *cries* alda wen im in da philippines i be dancin at tha clubs and yer not gonna be there to back that thang or to dip it low wit me.... i dunno how da fuckk imma survive. damniTT i cant take this. errytime i hear a song that we ever listened to together imma go crazeeeee alda stop crying. :D - i love you so much. words cant describe how much yew mean to me. half my brain is you. and half my heart is you. half my fruckinn eyes are you! [i dunno how dat works] im so sorry for anythang dat i've did - or dat i didnt do. i swear to GOD im goin to bring you to the philippines i swear it. since yew got yer greencard im goin to pay fer yer ticket whether or not your nosy-ass mom wants yew to go or not. coz wen yew get there wit me - i nevurr lettin yew go. damnitt alda i cant believe we bein sperated. its like tryin to take away my heart. alda lookin around diss room [dad hows] i realize that everything here is you. the bed - thats yer pillow and dats da blanket yew take from me - dat hot dog pillow yew and me fight over... over there is baby cologne, the one where there stars are on it, over there is the fruckin dvd machine where we saw all our movies and cried in dis room and derr da tissue box we used like fiddy times... over there is da lotion yew use wen yer at mah hows, over there is da trashcan that we filled wit taco bell shit - and alda i cant see me witout yyou. how can you spell Cami without Alda - is that possible?? ... alda - the memory that sticks with me the most is anytime you and me laugh together. im thinkin bowt yesturday wen yew and me in da pool and we walkin outta da water all sexii like [splash splash] hehe - or wen i tried gettin out like da lil mermaid and ended up drownin myself. damn... and wen we played dat game wit them. those are the kind of times that we had together that made me laugh. and then again we didnt really laugh that much without the boys. *sigh* yes the boys i remember everything we've done with them. and they juss made us happier. gave us another reason to be stuck here in the US ... from wen we first met them to the last time we all hung owt together... all them laffs we shared. laffin at adriann coz he stupid. laffin at jonny coz he funny. laffin at vimore coz he cant dance. laffin at mike coz he horny. laffin at me coz i duno how to use a gun. laffin at yew coz uhh wait we never laffed at you. all them times we spent with them, all the laughter... alda if anyone aks me to think bowt the happiest memory witchoo - i dunno... there's to many but tehres this image in my head of you laughing .. and me laughing ... and den we laffin so hard we cant breathe. i dunno but i think that image in my head is like .. da only thing dats gonna keep me alive there. i kno alda that im goin there for one reason only. and its for him. s2pd i know. but damn love rite? heh - alda yer da only reason why imma prolly hate goin back. i kno dat life's better there for me but i dont know how life can be any better witowt livein five miins away from you. damnitt we've never been far apartttt... xcept wen i go to the PI and shit -but other than that ... alda im already missing you. im missing everything about you. im missin someone laffin at me. someone hittin meon da head. someone who laffs wit me. someone who makes fun of ppls wit me coz dey not as sexii as us. every tear i've ever shared with you, ,cried for you ... every smile i've smiled because of you, ever laffter we shared ... damnitt imma miss all of that. i know that if i do become famous there, i'll be sitting in a room finishing up an interview or photoshoot. and i look over and see somebody wit da same cellfone as you. or someone wit purple on. daNGG wenever i see a friggin horse i'll think of you. i can just see it now. i kno that rite now it doesnt seem as sad. because i kno imma see you but dat moment dat were together, that moment we hug and say goodbye. in a flash i'll be on that plane and that moment becomes a memory. and rite now ... dats all it is ... juss a memory. and i hate it. i hate it i hate it. i dont want to gooooo i dont want to. i dont want to leave you. damnitt you better take care!!! and and yew be good damnitt... i dont wanna think bowt you gettin hurt or something. and i'll be fine damnitt... i'll be fine... yew better not die on me. can you friggin picture that huN!?!?!?! i mean ... shooT im all in da philippines doin a movie and i suddenly thot of you. and after da shooting i go home and derrs a fonecall. sayin dat yew're gone cries ... and i drop the fone - i wont believe it alda. i wont ... and i'll cry my fruckin eyes out. i'll fly over there and erryone be all cryin and tryin to calm me down. we at a hospital or someone erryone sayin dat its over and shit dat i cant do anythin. and i start yellin at erryone and run into da room to see yew on da bed... juss lyin der. and i be all SHE'S SLEEPIN DAMNITT SHE'S SLEEPING ... alda c'mon wake up... wake up alda. we gotta go play at da towncenter today... i think vimore jonny and adriann gonnaa come. cmon alda wake up we'll be late ... and dey gotta fruckin drag me outta there or else i wont leave. and on yer funeral i'll be standin der. shakin. eyes red. and once evryone leaves imma stand over yer grave ... and my heart will twist and turn. i can see chelsea and crizel and yaya crying. and wen im standin ... imma kneel nexx to yer grave. and imma pathetically cry for you. THERE YOU SEE doesnt that mental picture sucK?!?! *smacks* so dont die. take care of yerself alda okay??!! i'll keep in touch i swear this time ... i dunno if dat'll even help but damnitt update yer xanga and i'll update mine wahaha - alda i cant wait to see you heheh an di hope yer eyes dont hurt ... seriously alda. i know that in a day imma be gone. and i'll be away from you. alda i love you so much. you know that. sadly on dat plane all i gots is mah memories to share. and i kno dat yew'll be cryin and erryone gonna be dickheads sayin "why yew cryin so much you'll see her again" and its coz they dunno wats goin on. they dunno. and once they find out its gonna be hell ... they're gona force me t o come back and use you as bait. and i prolly will fall for it and come back and have to confront everyone. i dont kno wat gonna happen. there are gonna be times for sure that imma hear a song and i start cryin and den start callin yer name all pathetic and shit. i know there' gonna be times i cry myself to slep. and forsure yer gonna call meh so for sure after i hang up im goin to miss ou. and then a presence of you will linger. damnitt i love you sOOOO much huni. im gona miss you so much and i dun kno wat imma do witout you. i juss hope that i can survive .. i hope that i wont go crazy and i hope that errything i am risking for is goin to be worth it at the end. if not imma come runnin back to yoou. imma come back to you all trampled and hurt and sick and and yeah i juss gonna come back so you be ready. and alda if there anythin dat you need i'll be here okay? i hate sayin goodbyes and i know it has to be said. and i know its gonna hurt wen i say it and if i say it but you kno wat alda, there comes a time in someone's life where they jus have to --- cry like a baby coz i aint sayin goodbye ... hells naw i miss you already man. and if yer readin dis and im already there - i miss yooouuu i proly gonna cry da whole plane ride. oh yes juss ask dave or arvhin and dey gonna tell yew i was cryin so hard i filled half of fruckin first class hehe okay well i hope this made yew smile okay??? take care of uself and play titi ar a lot kays? and uHm dun be stupid !!! only go for da hot guys okay? dun go for a guy dat is like a six go for a nine or if you wan eight. take care okay? and if ur parents go stupid juss text or call or email or post coz im gonna find out either way - mwahhhhhhhh alda i love you. take care of yourself okay?!?! i kno dis entry is long and i kno dat my keyboard is wet and i know that im gonna miss you. there's nottin more i can say. alda i love you so much. pleeeasseee take care okay? and update yer xanga for you ... okay i cant take it anymore. here's all i gotta say to some up:
i'll miss you, take care, i'll pray for you, ... i love you
Cahmille
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| Freckles (DDR) by Tiggy
What am I gonna do if I can't get through
Counting all these freckles in my life
It's just a waste of time
And there's no finishing line
How am I gonna do if I cannot get you
To listen to the dreams that we could fulfill
Can't get them outta my head
I want to knock them right down the stairs
I check the stars but there's no sign
Venus to Mars there's no line, baby
I could be happy if you still loved me
*Still your memory's clear, always here
Deep inside my heart
I want you back to come and feed my appetite
Another lonley night, it's a fight
Why aren't you around
I am all alone thinking here, my eyes fill with fear
It's my life why are you not here
I'm counting and repairing this is really my character
It was a waste of my time and so the love was all mine
I got my left ear pierced the pain was all in a day
I gotta pay the stories can't laugh away
It was a weight on my heart
Got my left ear pierced it was so hard, hey
I could be happy if you still loved me, loved me
While I count away the number of freckles on my face
Holding my teddy bear the pain won't go away
As he smiles at me the memories are keeping at my bay
Can't get them outta here, your tears I cannot see
It's my life why are you not here
*Repeat | | |
| [alda] [holidae in] [2:34 pm]
merry xMAs!! ^^ll miss u cahmille!
xmas wusnt much fun w.o u ahmLe!
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| [alda] [slow jam] [7:35]
hello!! hey cahmille i miss u so much, yestrday at the airport was scary those two watEver Dude, with the krishna thing hahah ^^ll well im pretty sure dat ur in the philippines now, because u textd me earlier ^^;; hehe i gave ryan ur number.. and imma try to give it to floyd and vimore later cos they myt stil be at school... u think? well anywaii yea^^;; i lubs u ahmille ^^;;
I miSS yOu,
CaHmillE!!s2 | | |
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